winter blues…
February 8, 2006
Had a case of the blues today. THe “no-reason, can’t figure out why my heart is dead today”, kind of blues. Thankfully this hasn’t been as frequent as other years and other winters and other cold february days. This is winter for me. Random days of feeling the unamendable discontent…which for me is a reminder, of how unsatisfying this life can be. Please…don’t get me wrong. I’m as thankful for the blessing that my life is as I have ever been, constantly aware of how fortunate I am, almost embarrassed at times with how little of my life involves the suffering that I read about all over the world and brush past at the grocery store. The unamendable discontent has something to do with the reality that all the suffering can’t just go away, can’t be loved away, can’t be hugged away. The emptiness in the world can’t be filled with the beauty. That’s the discontent. The fact that it won’t go away this side of a new heaven or the making of a new earth.
Today is a reminder of my own brokenness..and the pleasing type of suffering that says from somewhere deep beneath my skin that I don’t belong here, or rather, I belong fully someplace else. The unamendable discontent is something I embrace, knowing that if I ever grow toward full contentment—that I will have lost the great blessing of knowing and feeling “displaced.” This “lostness” can be, and often is for me, a sweet aroma of sadness that really is the longing that we often sense in our deepest prayers, and sing in our most expressive worship…the prayers and worship that say, “I want more than this…”
I’m reminded of a quote by Malcom Muggeride:
“…the only ultimate disaster that can befall us, I have come to realize, is to feel ourselves to be at home here on earth. As long as we are aliens, we cannot forget our true homeland.”
February 9, 2006 at 7:42 am
Muggeridge knows what he’s talking about.
February 16, 2006 at 5:40 am
“We live in the shadowlands. The real world is yet to come.” C.S. Lewis knew what he was talking about, too.
The kind of discontent you’re describing is a good thing, Jared. It’s acknowledging that even when this life is at its best, there is a hole in our souls, and there is a yearning and a longing for what we cannot find on this earth.
In the words of another philosopher/theologian, songwriter Peter Case:
So you’re a mixed up kid, come on and join the crowd
The ones that only fit where they’re not allowed
Out on the streets and you’re feelin’ blue
Travelin’ light,
With a hole in your soul where the wind blows through
February 16, 2006 at 6:18 am
Part of the discomfort, Andy, living in the shadowlands, is living in the reality that the “world yet to come” is in the making and our lives are part of the making—the poema (poetry) of this life is part of the creative “making” of the world to come. The discomfort is the longing and prayer for “thy kingdom come on earth…”
I’m glad I stand in good company with C.S. Lewis, and Andy Whitman…
February 22, 2006 at 7:52 am
I’m thankful it isn’t a sin to be thirsty, but God knows I’ve drank some foul things.
I have lived much of my fifty years wanting to feel good at any cost. And I’ve paid. I’ve been clean for ten years, but have found ways to still use people to feel safe and significant. I don’t know much about love, but how I desire it!
It takes all the faith in Christ I have to live each day. I try to be empty by midnight.
Thanks for the thoughts, Jared. I feel less lonely today. (I’m at home with a strained back, a laptop on on the bed, waiting for my wife to come home from work)